Gestational heebie-jeebies Part I: My Story - How it All Began

“A grand adventure is about to begin” - Winnie the Pooh

The pink line on the home pregnancy stick marked the beginning of my grand adventure. 

The first sonogram in my 7th week of pregnancy, showed not just my cute little nub of a baby, but also an ominous looking hypo-echoic crescent, indicating a sub-chorionic haemorrhage; A pool of blood between the chorion, a membrane surrounding the embryo, and the uterine wall. My doctor’s brain went into overdrive, thinking of all possible eventualities. I knew it meant that I would be advised bed rest, and I was, for 5 weeks. A dark cloud had been cast over what could have been a very happy moment. There was some alarm, some worry.

I would have to take a break from my job. I’d have to curb exercise, swimming, dancing, driving, every physical activity. My husband and I decided to take it in our stride, look at the positives. Secretly, I was glad for the break from my back breaking schedule. The prescribed rest was what was needed for my baby to thrive. Moreover, I would have completed the first trimester by the end of the period. On a lighter note, this prescription came just in time for me to catch the seventh season of Game of Thrones, not to mention five weeks of waking up, without having to worry about an alarm… sheer bliss!😉

Weeks flew past, with me basking in the warmth of the love that my parents and husband showered on me. Boy, were we glad when the repeat ultrasonogram showed resolution of the bleed with my baby live and kicking! I was itching to unbrake and get back on my feet again. Thats when, Life, casually threw, yet another wrench in the works.

I got back to working at the hospital, seeing patients with renewed vigour, and yet, careful that I not overstress myself. Almost a week into my routine, close to the end of August; I went to bed one night, exhausted after the usual hectic work day. I had trouble falling asleep at first. I must have slept for 5 min or so when I suddenly awoke, eyes wide awake, heart beating out of my chest, a feeling of breathlessness and impending doom bearing down on me. Fear’s claws grasped at me and I felt that I just had to get out of bed. I almost tumbled out in fearful haste and briskly walked the short length of my house, in total darkness, unaware of every sensation at that moment, but fear. I calmed down in fifteen minutes, but failed to fall asleep after. I lay awake the entire night, tossing and turning, anticipating panic, the moment I shut my eyes. 

On my way to work in the taxi, the next morning, groggy eyed, heavy headed, I read all about my symptoms and realised that I had experienced my first nocturnal panic attack. People often fear the uncertain, the unknown. Having a name for what I’d just undergone removed the fear out of the equation. I brushed it off as a one-off incident. Luckily, the work laid out in hospital that day prevented me from dwelling on it any further. A week later, I had another attack. This time it was different. It happened while I was on holiday. There was no known stressor that I could identify. The following morning, I was on edge, I was jittery, I was restless and I was scared. A general physician, I consulted, assured me that insomnia and anxiety were natural, during pregnancy. He suggested, that once awake, to distract myself by reading or listening to soft music - any activity that would relax the brain. 

Unfortunately, a week later, I was diagnosed with cervical insufficiency.

Cervical insufficiency or incompetence is the inability of the uterine cervix to retain a pregnancy, in the second trimester. If undiagnosed, it may result in mid-trimester pregnancy loss. An emergency surgical procedure was indicated, cervical cerclage.

I have a vivid recollection my day in hospital, prior to surgery. Restless and scared, owing to another panic attack, the previous night, I fought hard to maintain control. I knew the ramifications of what was discovered. The thought of being under further bed rest, frightened me. The thought of sleep, the nights to come, my bed, scared me. I couldn’t bear to have the curtains closed, or the light blocked. I was scared to shut my eyes, in the fear of being accosted by another panic attack. 

After the surgery, I had calmed down considerably, but a hint of fear continued to lurk behind an invisible wall.

At home, the panic attacks continued to pay their visits once every 3-4 nights. The next morning would be nothing short of slow torture. Anxiety, restlessness, irritability, fear became my constant companions. I felt I had lost my confidence, my identity. I failed to recognise the individual I’d turned into. I became withdrawn, ready to burst into tears. There were 2-3 days of respite in between, sometimes more if I was lucky, when I wondered if it was all real? At that time, with the memory of fear distant; I would lapse into my usual cheerful self, much to the relief of my concerned family, and my wonder. The nights, however, brought along with them, niggling self doubt, anxiety, with me fervently hoping it’d be uneventful. I was still in the fourth month. During my low point, I wondered how I’d get through the pregnancy, with my sanity intact. 

I can never be thankful enough to my wonderful family who stood by me faithfully at this point. I was amazed at their non judgmental attitude, when they refused to label me. Instead, they continued to reassure me that what I was going through was normal, and that I would get through this. I am blessed to have a husband, who wasn’t the least bit daunted when I used to despair, that I was losing my mind. Instead, he patiently reminded me that all this was possibly attributable to the pregnancy hormones, and that I would be alright, following the baby’s delivery, at the end of nine months. Added to this, was my constant fear that the baby would be born preterm, since I had all the risk factors; Sub-chorionic hemorrhage, cervical insufficiency and now anxiety. It did not help that I used to spend hours pouring over my obstetric textbooks and scholarly articles on Google. In fact, friends, that’s the first thing I would advise you not to do. Stay away from the internet! Stop reading about your ailments. If you do have any queries, ask your doctor, but refrain from searching online. There’s a whole lot of unfiltered, non-specific information on there. Trust me, if learning medicine were that easy, we wouldn’t need doctors and it definitely will not take us 10-12 years of slogging and not having a life, to graduate as Specialists.

In my next post, I will talk about my fight, managing anxiety. I am currently in the 25th week. Not entirely anxiety-free, though I haven’t had an attack in 3 weeks atleast. That is an achievement in itself. I have finally begun to enjoy my pregnancy, and look forward to the day when I meet my baby. I do have low moments, especially during the afternoons or at dusk, but I manage to skirt around them. That’s what my next post will be about - how I keep anxiety at bay.  I hope it helps some of you, out there. 

Remember folks, you are definitely not alone. You are not going crazy, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Surround yourself with love, stay positive and stay strong!